The Importance of Eye Contact
In both individual if group sessions such as family constellations or inner child work I am constantly struck by the importance of eye contact. Seeing the other person and being seen by them. It is of essential importance.
As an adult—and as a child, too—you long to be seen for who you truly are: with everything that is and isn’t there, all your strengths and weaknesses.
And at the same time, there is often a deep-seated fear behind this.
Fear of:
- to be rejected
- not to be seen
- to be without love
- …
Your parents' gaze
As a baby, child, or young adult, your parents and those around you often didn’t truly see you for who you were. You were viewed through a colored lens filled with expectations, needs, wishes, desires, and sometimes even judgments. Not through a neutral, loving gaze that saw you not only with the eyes, but also with the heart and soul.
That loving gaze was often missing. No wonder that, as an adult, you’re still searching for and longing for such a glance. You look for it in friends, loved ones, lovers, bosses, gurus, …
As a result, you often unconsciously choose a partner who has also experienced this sense of loss. Since you’ve never—or hardly ever—learned this from your parents and those around you, it’s difficult for you to give this to your partner, and it may also be difficult for your partner to offer it to you.
When I look back at my own family of origin, I now realize—as an adult—that my father often didn’t see me. Even when he did see me, he didn’t see me for who I am; instead, he wanted me to be different. My mother did see me, but through tinted glasses. Her eyes were constantly fixed on me with a gaze that revealed her own needs. A gaze that demanded all sorts of things from me instead of giving me what I needed.
Via setups and inner child work My parents’ perspectives became clear to me. This allowed me to approach them with more compassion. I could see for myself that they were projecting onto me the things they themselves had been deprived of as children, and that this had been passed down from generation to generation.
Setups ensure that I can break this intergenerational cycle so that I don't have to pass it on to future generations myself. This is how healing and freedom come about.
Being Vulnerable and Daring to Embrace Vulnerability
Moreover, it’s often scary and intimidating to truly see and be seen. It feels as if you’re standing naked before the other person, and they can see right through all your armor and survival masks, straight into your heart and soul. This is both very vulnerable and, at the same time, very powerful—if you dare to allow it. By therapy Fortunately, this void can be healed through your personal growth process. A warm, loving relationship can also play a significant role in this and bring about healing.
Making Yourself Visible
By putting this down on paper, I’m making myself visible. This is exciting—it’s very open and vulnerable. And I can also feel the strength, the life force, as I write this.
I’d like to invite you to be vulnerable with me and share your story so that you, too, can feel your strength.
- When and by whom did you feel unseen?
- When and by whom did you feel truly seen?
- When were you unable to see the other person for who they really were?
- And were there also times when you were able to do that?
- Was that mutual back then, or not?
- And how did you feel at that moment?
- Can you really see yourself for who you are?
In short, I'm curious to hear your stories.
