An inner journey to existence

“I’m totally allowed to be here!”

Sometimes life leads us down a path of deep self-reflection. This week, I embarked on such an inner journey, during which I was once again confronted with an old, yet increasingly resonant theme: the right to exist.

I want to take you along on my inner journey, during which I looked deep within myself, encountered old patterns, and freed myself a little more.

Initial Insights: From Uncertainty to Value

It began with a powerful moment of introspection during Insight I: The Awakening Heart Seminar. During an exercise, I found myself back at that familiar, agonizing feeling of “not being good enough” and “worthlessness.” It’s a feeling so deeply rooted within me that it almost arises automatically. But this time, something new emerged from it: a mantra that would serve as an anchor for the rest of my week:

“I am valuable, and I receive what I need.”

This became my anchor, my tiny step. Every day, I repeat these words and feel them throughout my entire being.

Triggers as Opportunities for Growth

On Sunday evening, when I got home from the seminar, I was affected by a trigger during an interaction with my husband. It wasn’t a major conflict, but one of those moments that gets under your skin and keeps lingering. That emotion continued to linger in the days that followed. 

On Monday, I talked about it with a friend who is also a therapist. As we walked and talked, I felt the theme of the weekend continue to unfold, until I got to the heart of it: the right to exist.

Do I have a right to be here? Can I be completely myself? Am I valuable without having to prove anything? These are questions that have crossed my mind before, but this time I felt them on a deeper level.

At one point, I said the following:

“I don’t want to make any more compromises. I want to be able to be completely myself.”

Those words hit me like a bolt of lightning. As soon as I spoke them, I felt a profound emotional reaction. The realization that, for years, I had unconsciously adapted parts of myself to “fit in” affected me deeply. It was as if my soul was finally letting me say something I’d always known but had never dared to fully feel.

Bodywork and Letting Go

On Wednesday, my husband and I had a couples session. We discussed not only Sunday’s triggers, but also our deepest desire: a connection on a heart-and-soul level. But often, old wounds and survival strategies stand between us and that pure, deep connection.

And then my theme resurfaced: my right to exist. Through bodywork, I was able to fully feel it—and even let it go physically. My body finally released everything I had bottled up, swallowed, and hidden over the past 47 years. Tears, sound, movement. It was like a medicine journey—but without medicine.

And then, at the lowest point of this process, I was lovingly embraced. By my husband. By the therapists. By the words:

“You’re completely welcome here.”
“I see you.”

I felt it in every cell of my body.

A Deeper Layer: My Unborn Little Brother

As the icing on the cake, during my peer support group session, I participated in a constellation exercise that shed light on the themes of purpose, worthlessness, and people-pleasing. At one point, I noticed that someone was missing. I introduced a person into the constellation, without knowing who or what she represented.

At one point, this representative asked me, “Do you have a little brother?”

Those words touched me deeply. After I was born, there was a miscarriage, and I’ve always felt that this was a little brother. During the constellation, I was able to connect with him—with the little soul who was never born. And maybe… maybe over the past few years, I’ve been unconsciously atoning for the fact that I’m alive and he isn’t.

Now I realize: I honor him most by living my life to the fullest.

New Truth, New Energy

Ever since then, I've been carrying a new mantra with me:

“I am fully accepted here, and I receive in abundance.”

And that’s what I keep working on: giving myself space. Not feeling guilty anymore just for existing. Not thinking anymore that I’m taking up space that someone else needs.

This journey isn't over yet, but I feel incredibly grateful. Grateful for the process, for the people who are guiding me, and for the fact that I can share this without guilt or shame.

I’m sharing this because I know I’m not alone. Many of us are familiar with these deep-rooted patterns. And I want to tell you: I see you.

Thank you for reading this. Thank you for letting me share this. This process isn't over yet, but it doesn't have to be. It's flowing. And I'm letting myself be carried along by the flow of life.

And maybe, if you’re reading this and something in you resonates with my story, I’d also like to invite you to make that space for yourself. Because you’re allowed to be here completely. You matter. You’re good just the way you are, and you’re worth it!

With love,

Tuur